Nights With Roarsen Page 2

  But, I wasn't sure I could ever tell Decker about my past, and since I hadn't ever been around Roarsen in human form and I wasn't into bestiality, I didn't even know if I could be attracted to the man that was inside that sweet, funny and completely understanding tiger.

  Everything was just so… complicated. More than ever, I needed to come clean to Roarsen. Tell him about my conundrum. Let him know I was ready to see him… the rest of him… to meet him.

  "The carnival?" I asked, again trying not to laugh at the excited way Decker nodded his head. "Do they have funnel cakes?"

  His eyes widened and the smile started to slip from his face. "Are there actual carnivals that don't have funnel cakes?" he whispered, looking almost hurt by the very idea.

  Oh shit! Can this man get any fucking cuter?

  Chapter Two

  I laughed as Enid blinked at the man holding the powdered sugar shaker like he'd lost his mind.

  "Sir," he said, after a brief sigh. "I think that we've pretty much established by the fact that I just ordered a funnel cake that I'm not concerned all that much with my caloric intake. The forty extra calories you are about to add to this sucker isn't really anything in comparison to the hundred thousand sitting on this plate."

  He held the paper plate he was holding out to the man with the old-time white ice-cream store hat trying to hold the powdered sugar hostage under the guise of not being sure if we wanted the extra calories.

  "Are you sure, sir?" the man asked, with a polite, but absolutely fake smile.

  Shrugging, I snatched the canister out of the man's hand, giving him my biggest smile before turning to Enid and presenting it with flourish. "Do tell me when to whoa, sir."

  Enid bit his lip, snickering softly as I started shaking powdered sugar out all over the top of the fried batter goodness.

  "Whoa," he said, after a moment, before taking the canister out of my hand and doing the same for me.

  When he handed the container back to the angry-looking man, he shrugged. "See, now you don't need to worry about being responsible for our heart attacks. We are quite capable of killing ourselves."

  Chuckling, I grabbed his belt loop with my free hand and pulled him away from the man who looked like he might be about to sodomize Enid with a powdered sugar cannister.

  "It's actually pretty amazing what that smile of yours can do," Enid grumbled, sending me a side-eyed glare as I dropped my hand away from his pants. "He was ready to bash my brains in with that damn powdered sugar and you were the one that took it right out of his hand."

  He didn't seem to notice that we were walking so close, our shoulders were nearly touching. He'd been getting more comfortable with my presence lately. Which was great, because, though I'd never known it before I met Enid, I was apparently a very touchy-feely person… and he was my mate.

  "Did you just compliment me, Enid Daniels?"

  He frowned, pursing his plush lips. "I don't think so."

  I smiled, but my attention was snagged by those lips. Thick and bitable. I was dying to taste them. When he took a bite of his funnel cake, licking the white sweetness from them, I missed a step, rolling my eyes when I bobbled the plate in my hands, almost losing all my hard-earned powdered sugar.

  I cleared my throat, trying not to laugh at myself.

  We found an empty bench just outside one of the closed for the day businesses in the strip mall, where the carnival had been set up less than twenty-four hours before, and finished our snacks.

  "Ride or games?" I asked, taking his plate and stacking it with mine, before tossing it into the trash.

  "We should have ridden before the funnel cake," he said, smirking. "But apparently, we both have one-track minds.

  Oh, my mind definitely had other tracks, but I didn't think I should tell him everywhere my mind was trying to take me.

  "What about the Ferris wheel?" I asked, after a few moments too long looking at his lips. "Surely our guts can handle the Ferris wheel."

  "Okay, we can try…" His voice trailed off and his eyes widened slightly when I reached out and took his hand, but he didn't pull away and came along easily when I tugged. "But if I throw up, it'll probably be on you."

  The Ferris wheel was one of the kind that sat two, so we were both squeezed in pretty tight, our shoulders pressing hard into each other and the sides of the seats digging into our ribs, but it was the sweetest, most amazing ride I'd ever been on.

  I kept paying the guy running the controls to let us go again and again, and by the time we'd finished our tenth ride, he'd just chuckled and told me the next one was on him. I wondered if he was just as worried as I was about our ability to actually get out of the thing.

  "Thanks Decker," Enid whispered, after a moment, glancing over at me and smiling, before looking back out at the horizon.

  "Thanks for what, Een?" I asked, just as softly, my eyes once again caught on his lips and the small smile playing there.

  "For getting me out." He bit his lip, frowning. "And not just today. I know you've been pushing me to go to the diner and get out of the house more. And even though at first, I didn't want to do more than go work at the bookstore, and then come back home, I'm glad you were there to push me."

  I thought about denying it, telling him I didn't know what he was talking about, but the curl of his sexy lips changed my mind. "You're welcome."

  His eyes widened as he looked at the horizon suddenly and that lip went right back between his teeth. He looked… worried, and I didn't like that.

  "What's wrong?" I asked quickly, looking around and sniffing the air. Was there trouble?

  "It's almost dark," he said, his leg starting to bounce against the floorboard of our gondola.

  I blinked, frowning slightly. "Are you afraid of the dark?"

  I didn't think so, and when he shook his head, I nodded. He was out on the porch with me every night, talking to a wild animal like it was… Oh. Duh.

  He was worried about not meeting Roarsen. He was worried about letting the tiger down. A strange mix of happiness and jealousy washed over me, leaving me not sure what to think or how to react.

  I was more than happy that he found comfort with my tiger. Those moments out there on that porch, listening to him talk about all the stuff he'd been through and laughing at me for being goofy just before I rubbed my furred head all over his chest and neck, marking him with my scent, but I'd thought we were having a great night and I didn't want him to leave me, even for my other self.

  "You got another date or something?" I asked, smirking, wondering when I should just go ahead and tell him who and what I was.

  I'd thought about it more than once over the last few weeks, since he seemed to be doing better and better every day, but he'd always been very open with me in tiger form. If he was ready to date, surely he would have told Roarsen by then.

  And didn't that make me feel even worse about not telling him.

  "Another date?" he asked, frowning, as we finally came to a stop. We climbed out of the car and I gave the guy running the ride a big smile and wave, making my mate shake his head and chuckle. "What do you mean another date?"

  I pulled my lips between my teeth, scrunching up my face as I pulled him a little ways from the ride exit and turned to face him. "So, I might have been dating you behind your back," I said hesitantly, before flashing him my biggest, dimpliest smile.

  Hey, I knew what to use in order to get out of tight spots.

  It was working too, because Enid was trying really hard not to return the smile. "Dating me behind my back?"

  "Yeah." I nodded slowly, licking my teeth. "Like, we've been on at least ten dates and I still haven't gotten that first kiss."

  I hooked his belt loop, pulling him close as his eyebrows rose, along with the corners of his mouth. He sighed, rolling his eyes and shaking his head when all I did was grin and bat my eyelashes.

  He surprised me by grabbing the sides of my face in both hands and looking directly into my eyes. "Your stupid fucking smil
e," he grumbled, before pressing his mouth to mine.

  Right there, in the middle of the entire carnival, he kissed me, and not just a little. He kissed the holy living hell out of me.

  I'd meant to tease him. Maybe pull him close and brush my lips to his. See if he was even ready for the type of intimacy that came from a kiss without asking, knowing he'd end up thinking the thing to death, but he surprised the shit out of me.

  I gasped, my hands spasming at his hips where they'd settled when I’d pulled him close. He didn't waste time, I'd barely registered the fact that I finally had those gorgeous lips on mine, when he was pushing his tongue inside my mouth, licking at mine.

  We moaned at the same time, and I jerked him closer, pressing our entire bodies together from head to toe.

  When we finally broke apart, we were both a mess, our clothes crumpled from the way we were running our hands all over each other.

  "I better get you home," I growled, stepping back, loving the debauched sight of my mate as he tried to catch his breath.

  Nodding, he let me lead him to the car, our fingers laced together. The drive to my brother's seemed like the longest and shortest of my entire life as I both wanted to get there so I could touch and kiss him again and continually running over how I was going to tell him about Roarsen.

  When I pulled to a stop in front of Lincoln's house, we both got out slowly, him waiting on the other side of the car as I walked around to join him. We slowly strolled to the porch, and I wasn't at all surprised to see the porch light flicker, which told me Lincoln was standing just on the other side of the door, probably listening to every word.

  Reaching up, I cupped his face, running my thumb along his cheek. He was absolutely stunning and so fucking strong. He had been through so much in his short life, and though he was struggling in a lot of ways, he wasn't bitter about any of it.

  I admired him more than he would ever understand.

  I kissed him tenderly, humming softly against his mouth as our tongues slid against each other in slow, unhurried licks.

  When I pulled back, pressing our foreheads together, he closed his eyes, sighing happily.

  The light flickered overhead again, and I growled, pulling my head back to glare toward the window I could hear my brother mouth breathing against.

  "You should probably get inside, Een, while I still have a modicum of control."

  "Yeah," he whispered, blindly reaching for the door knob. "Night, Decker."

  "Night, Enid."

  Chapter Three

  "Hey," I said, my stomach in knots for the first time ever as I addressed my tiger.

  I'd been comfortable with Roarsen almost from the very beginning. Strangely, I hadn't even been as nervous as I was right then, when I'd told him about the man I'd been sleeping with for money when Beckett and I were living hotel room to hotel room, or sometimes on the street. In fact, I'd been so comfortable with him, the story had just slipped out.

  And the entire time, the tiger had rubbed his big head on my chest and put his giant front paw on my leg, letting me know that he was there as I spilled my guts about everything, even down to when the guy had found my mark one night as I jumped in the shower of the nasty motel he'd rented for the night to fuck me.

  I'd thought it was safe. I'd thought he'd already left. So, after I finished using the rest room to clean up, I'd started the shower. Apparently, he'd thought I should give him another round, because he'd walked right into the bathroom and tried climbing into the shower with me.

  I'd refused to let him, and covered up as quickly as I could, but it had been too late. He'd seen the mark on my left front hip. A place he'd never seen before, because that hadn't been the arrangement. I was simply a hole for him. He'd pull my pants down past my ass, fuck me with a condom, but barely any lube and then leave.

  When he saw that mark, though… he'd flipped. He'd grabbed me, thrown me on the bed face down and tried to take what I was no longer offering. His teeth had sunk into my shoulder, and though it had definitely hurt, that move, and the absolute wrongness I'd felt with his mouth on my neck like that, had been what gave me the strength to kick his legs out from under him and get away from him.

  The giant, glass lamp sitting on the table by the bed had been the thing that I'd used to keep him down, and I'd dressed quickly and run.

  I didn't have nightmares about the weeks I'd spent in the hands of shifters in an underground hole that was barely more than a dungeon. I had nightmares about a man––a shifter–– who'd nearly raped me and mated me.

  Even though at the time I hadn't understood what it meant, I'd known there would be no getting back from it when it was about to happen. It had honestly felt like the most important fight in my life.

  Oddly enough, even though those men keeping me prisoner in that bunker had talked over and over about mating us off to people for money, I'd known I wasn't in danger. I'd felt safe. Not necessarily with them, because they'd all been a little on the crazy side, and that Alpha had been particularly terrifying in his lack of any kind of grasp on reality, but it had felt safer than I'd felt while walking the streets in Memphis, always thinking I was seeing Isaac lurking around every corner, waiting until I was off by myself somewhere to snatch me.

  Instead, someone else had.

  And I was right back to being paranoid, because I could have sworn I'd seen the man outside of the bookstore a couple of times, and once standing across the street from the diner. Anyway, Roarsen, Decker and a few others, were the only people––and animals––I felt safe around.

  I hadn't even told Roarsen about Isaac possibly following me around, or the fact that the man had almost mated me. For some reason, it was the only thing in the world I couldn't talk to him about.

  "So," I said, after clearing my throat. "I really need to talk to you about something, but I'm not sure how." I took a deep breath, my stomach flipping at the decision before me.

  "Roarsen, you mean the world to me. I would never have made it these last couple of months without you. Beckett is like a little brother to me, and I would kill for him, but I couldn't tell him the things about that man––" When the tiger growled, lowering his head and tucking his ears back, I smiled softly at him, reaching out to put my hand on his neck. "Yeah, that one."

  I stopped, biting my lip and letting my head fall back on my shoulders. "I have a problem, though," I whispered finally, swallowing hard to fight the strain in my words. "The thing is, I like you, but I don't know if I like you like you, because I don't know you outside of this form. I think I'm finally ready to be in a relationship, but I don't know if we have that kind of chemistry and the person I have so… I do have chemistry with another man, and not just chemistry. He's actually really great."

  Roarsen had always been really good at facial expression given the fact that he was a tiger. I'd never had to guess what he was feeling before, because he always let me know in some way. But, in that moment, I couldn't tell what he was thinking, and it was really, really important that I knew what he was feeling in that moment.

  I reached up, rubbing the front of my throat where it was once again starting to get tight. "I'm just torn, because I've had this stupid fantasy that when I was finally ready to move on from my experiences with my life, I'd ask you to shift for me, we'd end up being crazy about each other and live happily ever after." I paused, meeting his pretty yellow eyes. "But then, I met this guy. I like him a lot, but I'm scared to tell him everything. Right now he looks at me like I'm actually important. Like I matter. If he knew all the things you know, he'd never look at me like that again."

  Roarsen surprised me by letting out a yowl that sounded so pained, it actually made my stomach dip. I tried to reach for him, needing to fix whatever it was that had caused him pain, but he backed away. Even with his face being that of a wild animal, I could see the pain in those slitted eyes.

  I hopped to my feet, trying to move closer, but he spun, dashing off into the bushes.

  "Wait," I cried out,
my voice barely making it past the knot in my throat. "Where are you going?" Tears were hitting the ground not far from my face before I'd even realized that I'd fallen. I wasn't sure if I'd tripped or if my legs had just given out, but I was kneeling on the ground on my knees, my arm stretched toward the plants he'd ducked behind. "Please don't go. Please."

  I didn't know how long I'd lain there on the ground, begging a tiger not to leave while sobbing, but I was completely drained of everything when I finally managed to stagger to my feet, and then into the house.

  I’d apparently taken a shower and changed for bed, because when Lincoln came barging into my room the next day, I was wearing sleep pants and a T-shirt, and my hair looked just like I'd done everything in my power to win the worst hair day award, but at least it smelled clean.

  All I really remembered past Roarsen disappearing through the bushes was the weird dream I'd had about hanging on to the edge of a Ferris wheel seat. If I pulled the little lever on the side, a platform would come out for me to stand on, but every time I reached for the lever, my hand just flopped, and I couldn't actually grab it.

  "I called Decker," Lincoln said, frowning down at me in concern. I was pretty sure he wanted to check my head for a fever, but refrained.

  "What, why?" I asked, my heartrate going crazy.

  "You're starting to worry me, Een," he said quietly, sitting on the edge of my bed and reaching out to pat my arm, only to pull it back. "You never miss work, or breakfast."

  I grabbed his hand and brought it to my arm, needing him to know I was okay with his touch. I was a long way from healed, but I was sick of letting my past take away basic human comfort, especially with Beckett being across the country. I needed my friends to hug me from time to time.

  And with Decker, I needed other things too.

  I smiled softly at the handsome black man in front of me and tried not to think about his brother and what I'd do with him if he was in my bed. "I know," I told him, taking a deep breath. "I had a rough night, but I'm not going to do anything stupid, or anything. I've made it too damn far to end it now." I squeezed his fingers where they were cupped around my forearm. "But thank you… for giving a shit."